“Underworld: Blood Wars” is Begging to be Rented – movie trailer released

The “Underworld” films have always been a guilty pleasure of mine. Who doesn’t like  vampires versus werewolves? This once refreshing series is at the ‘let’s beat a dead horse’ phase and would rather continue to contribute nothing creatively. There’s always an emphasis on a ‘new power’ or ‘more powerful’ foes entering the fray so that our hero, Selene (Kate Beckinsale), can continue to kick their a$$.

I love watching Beckinsale in the “Underworld” films but, at this point, there is nothing else appealing to this dead franchise, which is also being dumped in the usual movie graveyard month of January in 2017. If you don’t believe me, check out the trailer below and decide for yourself.

 

The film also stars Theo James, Tobias Menzies, Lara Pulver, James Faulkner, Charles Dance and Peter Andersson. It is being directed by Anna Foerster (TV episodes of “Criminal Minds”, “Outlander”) and is set for release on January 6th, 2017.

Note: “Underworld: Blood Wars” will be opening in the same weekend as the “Amityville: The Awakening” and Tom Cruise’s CIA thriller “Mena”. With that being said, it would be hard to imagine that moviegoers are still excited about the “Underworld” franchise.

The Top Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies

The guy hasn’t exactly been a box office draw in over a decade yet his mark on action cinema cannot be ignored. I believe it safe to say that Arnie is done doing great action movies. The key word there is action. You may say, “but wait, what about The Expendables and Terminator: Genisys”? Those movies are crap. I’m talking about Arnie going all out and kicking a$$. Can you really imagine anyone else playing The Terminator? Conan (they tried in 2011 and failed) or Douglas Quaid – Total Recall (they tried in 2012 and failed)?

Not only was Arnie a physical presence but he also has charisma. It’s the fine balancing mechanism when determining if he’s a movie star. Sure, he can’t act but he’s got screen presence. That Austrian accent delivered with peculiar one-liners encompasses most all of his movies from the 1980s and 1990s.

With that being said, I felt it important to review those movies that make Arnold Schwarzenegger a household name. I will also include those movies that may not be the best but are memorable for wrong reasons. Hey, nobody’s perfect.

12. Batman & Robin

“What killed the dinosaurs?! Da Ice Age!” – Mr. Freeze

This is a movie I love to hate. So I guess this counts as one of his best? For reasons unknown, Arnie took up the role as one of Batman’s villains, Mr. Freeze, in this 1997 movie. Okay, we do know the reason. He was paid $17 million which is one of his biggest upfront paydays (outside of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines — $30 million). If you wanna get crazy, Arnie and Danny Devito (and director Ivan Reitman) took no upfront payment for Twins and optioned to own 45% of the film which resulted in them making $35-$40 million each! I’m getting off track here. Arnie hammed it up (big time) to play a villain that must keep himself in a cryogenic suit to survive while also trying to save his terminally ill wife. As a kid, you don’t realize the stupidity of the movie or the very nature of the former Mr. Olympia playing super villain and wearing a ridiculous outfit to be anything out of the ordinary. If you just look at the list of quotes from him, you’d get a good chuckle. Check it out here. Even though the movie was critically slammed (Rotten Tomatoes: 11%), the movie went on to make $238 million worldwide (off a $125 million budget). Although there was a profit, it is likely that the money spent for marketing put them close to just breaking even. We wouldn’t see a new Batman movie until 2005 in Batman Begins.

11. Kindergarten Cop

“It’s not a tumor!” – Detective John Kimble
“I’m a cop, you idiot!” – Detective John Kimble

I mentioned that this was getting a sequel (w/ Dolph Lundgren) right? Check here for more on that. In a fish out of water-esque tale, Arnie is forced to pretend to be a kindergarten teacher in order to capture a drug dealer. Juggling a bunch of rowdy kids is the last thing Arnie wants to do but, somehow, ends up disciplining them into role model students. The one-liners don’t just come from its star this time around, but also the kids.

10. The Running Man

“Hello cutie pie, one of us is in deep trouble”. – Ben Richards

This was before Battle Royale and The Hunger Games. The premise of this movie is extremely similar: a totalitarian state where a televised competition thrusts prisoners into an area where they must run to avoid a gruesome death. Arnie’s character has been made a scapegoat by his own government and forced to compete. The story actually comes from the book by Stephen King and features some ridiculous villains (including Jesse Ventura) and some of the worst one-liners. The film is a lot more relevant today as society continues to offer high stakes entertainment so that we may all turn a blind eye to real issues.

9. The Terminator

“I’ll be back” – Terminator

Arnie plays an actual terminator (from the future) and must kill Sarah Connor to prevent the human resistance against the robots. Things get complicated when the humans (from the future) send one of their own to help protect Sarah. This is a sci-fi action film with solid performances, excellent action sequences, and an intriguing storyline that would serve as a basis for its sequels.

8. Commando

“I eat green berets for breakfast!” – John Matrix

(Not Going Commando)John Matrix (Arnie) launches a one man war against the South American criminals that kidnapped his daughter. Being a former Black Ops commando, the criminals have no idea what they’re in for. This features a flabby, Freddie Mercury type villain (Vernon Wells) and an over-the-top performance by Dan Hedaya attempting an accent as the main bad guys. Watch Arnie plow down the villains in this one, and in grand fashion.

7. Twins

The reason Arnie, Devito, and Reitman decided to take back end money, was because the studio wasn’t sure if the movie would be a success. Obviously, they are all better off now. The movie works because the idea behind Devito and Arnie actually being brothers is absurd (said Mr. Obvious). It’s not just that though. The movie was more accessible to general audiences in that there was appeal on the action front and appeal from a comedic perspective. Not only are these brothers polar opposites physically but they also couldn’t be more different in terms of emotional and mental stability. Whereas Devito dealt with foster homes and ended up more of a con artist, Arnie grows up to be humble and smart despite being naïve to the real world. As Arnie tries to convince Devito that they’re brothers (much to Devito’s chagrin), the two end up learning from each other. The film was a welcome departure for Arnie at the time as he was coming off Conan the Barbarian and Predator.

6. Conan the Barbarian

This is one of the more simplistic story lines but manages to still be epic. Orphaned as a boy, Conan is forced to push the ‘wheel of pain’ as his village was left destroyed by Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). After many years of building a huge, muscular frame, Conan sets out to confront Thulsa and the supernatural forces that surround him. Tons of gruesome fight scenes and cool swordplay. Arnie doesn’t have much dialogue, but Conan has always been more of the strong, silent type. The movie was turned into the cheesy sequel, Conan the Destroyer, which featured a bigger production, a weaker storyline, and Kareem Abdul Jabbar as one of the villains (oh, and Grace Jones).

5. True Lies

To me, this was the last great movie Arnie has done. After the giant success of T2: Judgment Day, James Cameron and Arnie teamed up again. Thought to be a dull salesman by his family, Harry (Arnie) is actually a super spy that is after nuclear weapons held by terrorists. Things become complicated when Harry begins to realize that his wife (Jamie Lee Curtis) might be contemplating an affair with a car salesman pretending to be a spy (Bill Paxton). There are a lot of memorable scenes here — the Jamie Lee Curtis strip tease, the chase after terrorist using a horse, Bill Paxton pretending to suave, etc. I always wondered why Cameron and Schwarzenegger didn’t work together more often. Cameron seemed to focus on different genres (Titanic, Avatar) that relied more on acting and didn’t wholly rely upon the giant presence of Arnie.

4. Last Action Hero

This is one of my personal favorites. Arnie plays a caricature of himself in this ‘before its time’ comedy/action film. Once young Danny loses his father, he becomes entranced by watching action movies featuring Jack Slater (Arnie) as an escape. After being given a magic ticket, Danny is thrust into the movie he’s watching. Understanding film stereotypes, Danny tries to help Slater take down villains, including big bad Benedict (played by Charles Dance). The movie plays with the notion of how people see Arnold Schwarzenegger and the many ‘rules’ that action movies seem to abide by. I have to commend Arnie for taking on a movie like this. It goes to show how he tries to connect with his fans. Totally underrated.
Fun facts: This movie was directed by John McTiernan (Die Hard, Predator) and written by Shane Black (Lethal Weapon, Iron Man 3).

3. Predator

“Dillon! Youuuuuu son-of-a b*tch!” – Dutch

So many awesome liners in this one as well. Dutch and his mercenary team that includes CIA agent Dillon (Carl Weathers) head to Guatemala to rescue a group of politicians. Things go awry when dead bodies begin to pile up and they realize they are being hunted by a creature with great strength and the ability to cloak itself. McTiernan was such an iconic director! This was made alongside The Hunt for Red October and Die Hard. Great action scenes and a cool looking alien. If you can watch the un-edited version of the movie instead of the one they keep showing on AMC, then do yourself a favor.

Fun Fact: Jean Claude Van Damme was actually the Predator until he complained that the costume was too hot to work in. Filmmakers eventually ended up scraping the initial costume anyway for the one we know today.

2. Total Recall

This is easily one of Arnie’s most profound films. This is much in thanks to Philip K. Dick’s short story, We Can Remember It for You Wholesale, and Paul Verhoeven’s direction. In the year 2084, Arnie is a meandering construction worker who undergoes a procedure to implant a memory in his head of visiting Mars. Things go nuts when Arnie realizes his entire life was a false memory and the people that implanted it want him dead. The movie is ethereal at parts and is heightened by Jerry Goldsmith’s score.

1. Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Of course this classic is on this list. This is easily Arnie’s best role. He plays a robot for crying out loud. One of the most bad ass robots ever! As the first film has Arnie sent back in time to kill Sarah Connor, this time around he was reprogrammed and sent back in time to protect the son of Sarah Connor, John. This is to ensure that there is still a resistance to the robots in the future. This is arguably one of the best sequels ever. Not only did they improve on the original’s special effects, but the story delves deeper into how a terminator functions and the details surrounding the seemingly preventable future. This is in many filmgoers’ top 5 action films of all time and they wouldn’t be wrong.

August 2015 Movie Releases (DvD & Blu-Ray)

August 4^th

Insurgent – The movie cousin to The Hunger Games has a sequel. Based upon the YA(young adult) novel, this sequel focuses on the war between four factions (Amity, Abnegation, Erudite, and Dauntless). Tris is one of the divergents (having all 4 characteristics) as she helps lead the way in a fight for peace or something like that. Starring: Shailene Woodley, Theo James, Kate Winslet and the god awful Jai Courtney.

Do You Believe? – A religious movie about how a pastor influences another pastor to be more pastorly. Starring: Mira Sorvino, Sean Astin (Rudy), and Cybill Shepherd.

True Story – This is that James Franco and Jonah Hill movie that was based on a true story. It focuses on the relationship between a writer, Finkel (Hill) and a murderer, Longo (Franco), taking upon Finkel’s identity. Finkel was a writer for the New York Times Magazine and was actually fired for fabricating parts of a news story in 2002.

Child 44 – Tom Hardy plays a Russian Intelligence agent (in the Joseph Stalin era) who takes on a case involving multiple murders of children. Leo Demidov’s (Hardy) case leads to high authorities in the Russian government. Based upon the first in a trilogy of novels by Tom Rob Smith, the story follows Demidov’s exploits. Starring: Tom Hardy, Noomi Rapace (Prometheus), Gary Oldman (The Dark Knight, The Professional), Joel Kinnaman (The Killing, upcoming Suicide Squad), Jason Clarke (Dawn of the Planet of the Apes), Vincent Cassel (Trance), and Charles Dance (Game of Thrones, The Golden Child).An incredible cast doesn’t always spell box office success. Still, I am likely to rent this.

A Little Chaos – A movie about competitive garden designers that are tasked to create a one of a kind water fountain on the grounds of le chateau de Versailles. I’m not making this up. Starring: Kate Winslet (The Reader), Alan Rickman (Harry Potter), Stanley Tucci(Transformers 4: Age of Extinction), and Matthias Schoenaerts (Bullhead).

Adult Beginners – A drama about a businessman (Nick Kroll) that loses it all but while staying with his sister (Rose Byrne) learns valuable life lessons. Starring: Nick Kroll (The League), Rose Byrne (X-Men: First Class), Bobby Cannavale (Ant-Man), Joel McHale (Ted) and Jason Mantzoukas (The Dictator, The League).

The Salvation – Mads Mikkelsen stars as a vengeful settler in the American West circa 1870s after the murder of his family. After killing the man responsible, the leader of their gang also seeks revenge. Looks like a decent flick. Starring: Mads Mikkelsen (Casino Royale, Hannibal), Eva Green (Casino Royale), and Jeffrey Dean Morgan (Watchmen).

Barely Lethal – This movie follows a 16 year old teenager assassin after she fakes her own death and enrolls in a suburban high school. She quickly learns that school clicks and popularity come at a price. Starring: Jessica Alba (Sin City), Sophie Turner (Game of Thrones), and Samuel L. Jackson (every movie). Yawn!

Madame Bovary – A drama focusing on an adulterous wife as she tries to escape her boring lifestyle. Starring: Mia Wasikowska (In Treatment, Alice in Wonderland), Ezra Miller (Trainwreck, upcoming Flash), Paul Giamatti (Sideways) and Rhys Ifans (The Amazing Spider-Man).

Jackie & Ryan – Katherine Heigl still manages to headline movies, although this one looks straight to video. The story involves two musicians as they find themselves in love. Starring Katherine Heigl, Ben Barnes and Clea DuVall.

 

August 11^th

Hot Pursuit – All of the previews for this mess looked like a rip off of The Heat with Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy. This is a ‘female buddy’ film that has a conservative cop (Reese Witherspoon) and the wife of a drug dealer (Sofia Vergara) that must team up against a drug cartel. If Sofia’s blabbering accent on Modern Family isn’t enough for you, then check this out!

Unfriended – A high school girl that killed herself due to a cruel prank now communicates via Skype in video group chats! Okay, it sounds lame but at least it’s a different way for the genre of horror to reach another generation of kids.

Robot Overlords – Humans are slaves to a race of robots that conquered the world. People are confined to their homes and must wear implants. I’m not sure how this escaped me as it stars Ben Kingsley (Ghandi, Tut) and Gillian Anderson (X-Files). I may watch if the SyFy Channel picks it up.

 

August 18^th

Little Boy – A seven year old boy ventures off to bring his father back home from the World War II. The boy’s innocence incites those embedded in the war. Starring Emily Watson, Kevin James (you read that right), Michael Rapaport, Tom Wilkinson and Ali Landry (that hot Dorito’s commercial girl).

Lambert & Stamp – This documentary chronicles the journey of aspiring filmmakers, Christopher Stamp and Kit Lambert, as they try to produce a movie during the 1960’s underground music scene. The doc also features footage with famous people related to The Who, Richard Barnes, Roger Daltry, and Pete Townshend.

5 to 7 – This is a romantic comedy that follows a woman who writes about falling in love. Things get crazy when the person she is in love with is the French diplomat’s wife! Gasp! Caged Heat sounds better.

Strangerland – A family moves to the Australian outback when a dust storm results in the loss of their children. A search party forms to find the missing children amidst rumors and suspicion. Spooky! Starring: Nicole Kidman (Fur), Joseph Fiennes (Voldemort’s brother) and Hugo Weaving (The Matrix, Lord of the Rings).

The Riot Club – In this thriller, two freshman join an infamous club at Oxford. One day, all of the spoiled, rich students get in over their heads. Based upon the play, Posh.  The movie,Skulls, is probably much better than this but that ain’t saying much!

Vendetta – Remember Dean Cain? Well, if you haven’t went out of your way to research where he’s been, you’d still only remember him for playing Superman in the TV series, Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. Mr. Cain has been playing in direct to video movies for quite some time. In this movie, he plays a cop who must get revenge after his wife is murdered by The Big Show (Paul Wight or WWE fame). This looks like hung-over viewing.

 

August 25^th

Aloha – An all-star cast surrounds this box office disappointment. Brian Gilcrest is a US weapons consultant that becomes disgraced, then later talks to a robot and then eventually heads to Hawaii to oversee the launch of a spy satellite. He must also get permission for the launch from the Hawaiian council as part of his assignment. Directed by fan-favorite Cameron Crowe (Almost Famous, Jerry Maguire) and starring: Bradley Cooper, Emma, Stone, Rachel McAdams, John Krasinski, Danny McBride, Alec Baldwin, and Bill Murray.

Citizenfour – This riveting looking documentary showcases how filmmaker, Laura Poitras (who focuses on gov’t surveillance of private citizens post 9/11) receives an encrypted email by “citizenfour” who claims to have inside knowledge of covert surveillance by intelligence agencies. “Citizenfour” ends up being Edward Snowden. The documentary focuses on key interviews with Snowden and Julian Assange. Looks very interesting.

Where Hope Grows – Holy 1980s! This movie stars Danica McKellar (The Wonder Years) and William Zabka (bad guy from The Karate Kid). The story focuses on a former professional baseball player who retires because of panic attacks. He eventually develops a relationship with a store clerk who has Downs Syndrome. His perspective on life changes and hope is learned…blah…blah…blah….I’ll pass.

Two Days, One Night – Marion Cotillard (Inception, La Vie en Rose) stars in this drama about how working class people who may have been disenfranchised from society. Sandra (Cotillard) tries to return to her job after an episode of depression only to find that her employer no longer needs her. She learns her fate is to be decided by her fellow employees in a vote.

Big Game – A teenager finds the President of the United States in a pod while hunting. Together they must make it through the woods alive as terrorists close in. Starring: Samuel L. Jackson (every movie) and Onni Tommila.

Skin Trade – Dolph Lundgren stars as a detective out for revenge after his family was slain by the mob. The mob is eventually connected to a human trafficking ring and Dolph must work with Tony Jaa (Ong Bak, The Defender), a Thai detective, to destroy them once and for all. Hung-over viewing.

Justice League: Gods and Monsters – Set in an alternate universe, DC’s trinity (Wonder Woman, Batman and Superman) find themselves framed for a bombing. DC’s main guns all have different origin stories and must decide whether they want to save the world or conquer it. Voice actors: Benjamin Bratt, Michael C. Hall, Tamara Taylor, Jason Isaacs and C. Thomas Howell. It’s a comic book animated movie! Count me in.

Lila & Eve – A drama/thriller surrounding a mother, Lila, who loses her son in a drive by shooting.  Lila eventually meets Eve, another mother who lost her daughter the same night. Together they go after the criminals responsible. Starring: Viola Davis and Jennifer Lopez. Lifetime should starting making theatrical releases.

October Gale – This follows a doctor who tries to assist an injured man on an island from a man that is hunting him. Starring Patricia Clarkson, Scott Speedman, and Tim Roth.

The Runner – Nicolas Cage is back again as a once idealistic politician that must re-examine his life after a sex scandal destroys his career. Not to be confused with a good movie, this stars Nicolas Cage, Sarah Paulson (12 Years a Slave), Peter Fonda (Easy Rider) and Connie Nielsen (Gladiator). Will Nic Cage ever make a comeback from box office obscurity?