Now, I admit this film isn’t geared to the female audience by any means and definitely isn’t a Christmas themed (or Holiday) movie. However, I couldn’t help but watch Arnold Schwarzenegger wield a giant sword as Conan and go after the murderous wizard, Thulsa Doom (played by James Earl Jones). This is Conan the Barbarian.
You may be wondering why I would be doing a review to an almost 34 year old movie. It is because it is valuable when viewing a movie in relation to where we (society & pop culture) are now. What may have seen like a good idea back then now seems silly: how women were interpreted in film, outdated special effects, and how far Arnie has come as an actor since (obviously joking). The reverse is also true: there are elements of the film that still hold up: the archetype of the villain, ultra violence, and the silent warrior type (which really plays to Arnie’s strengths: screen presence and lack of acting skills).
Sinister Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones)
The plot follows a Cimmerian boy named Conan (Arnie), whose family was murdered by Thulsa Doom and his men. Conan is enslaved and forced to push a large mill, the ‘wheel of pain’, for many years until he looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger and is then trained to become a gladiator and eventual swordsman. Once freed by his slave owner, Conan joins up with fellow bandits in stealing for their own gain but not until he realizes the two headed snake symbol which leads him to the people responsible for his family’s death. This sets himself on a quest for redemption, while also trying to rescue King Osric’s (Max von Sydow) daughter from the mental and physical clutches of the evil wizard, Doom (yes, I know that it’s a little on the nose).
There are a lot of ‘wtf?!’ moments that include: Conan getting drunk (& calling a girl a slut) and punching a camel, Conan battling an enormous snake, Conan philosophizing (yup, that’s a real word), and a villain (Doom) that controls a mass cult by hypnosis. These can be seen as highlights amongst an epic backdrop. What’s the driving force to the ‘epicness’? The answer is Arnie and the movie’s musical score by Basil Poledouris (who went on to do Robocop and even Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles). A polarizing career indeed! It also doesn’t hurt that there were actual actors that contributed to the ‘believability’ and ‘gravitas’ that the story sets – thanks Max von Sydow (The Seventh Seal, Minority Report) , James Earl Jones (Star Wars, Best of the Best) and Mako (Sand Pebbles, Pearl Harbor, Highlander III: The Final Dimension, Seven Years in Tibet). You do realize that there’s a reason Arnie only has a handful of lines? The same formula was applied to most of his movies, especially Terminator 2: Judgment Day.
Conan is all drunk.
The portrayal of women in this film is kind of appalling. I’m no P.C. nut but if the film came out today, there’d be a lot of backlash. Women are seen as objects and even though the film is supposed to take place in a fictional land before civilization, it would still find a way to likely wind some people up. To counter this, the character of Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) stands out as a female warrior/thief who is taken by Conan. Even with this inclusion, many critics did not accept Valeria as a strong female figure as they pointed out her sexy warrior outfit (leather clad) with her improbable fighting techniques and role as more of a warring buddy with a female body.
Believe it or not, the film actually has interesting themes. One of these themes is the concept of death, a journey into hell, and rebirth. Conan has a remarkable journey that sees him overcoming great odds and even near death (he was crucified). The other notable theme is the ‘riddle of steel’ that is relayed to young Conan at the beginning of the film. This riddle follows throughout the film and is answered with the notion that it is not the steel that makes a hero but rather the person wielding it. It could be later said that, “the mind is essentially stronger than might”. Another prominent theme interpreted by scholars included Ronald Reagan’s ideas of individualism (individual responsibility and to stand up to the Soviet Union). People can read into anything any way they want it seems!
Conan! Watch out!
Having not seen the film in its entirety since I was about 14 years old, I will have to say that I still enjoyed this gem of a movie. It’s a young Arnie being all badass as he faces the worthy opponent in James Earl Jones’ Doom villain. Filled with violence, epic music, and sweeping shots of barren landscapes, this will go down as one of Schwarzenegger’s most memorable films.
Note: Stay away from the 2011 remake of the same name.
The Avengers 2: Age of Ultron – The box office smash sequel pits the Avengers against a one-dimensional villain. This has moments of awesome but mostly settles as a bloated super hero movie. Full review here.
October 6th
Magic Mike XXL – Channing Tatum and pals bare it all…again. McConaughey decided to focus on better movies and does not appear in this oversized sequel. Elizabeth Banks, Matt Bomer, Joe Manganiello, and Jada Pinkett Smith co-star.
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl – This is a movie about two aspiring, young filmmaker friends that end up making a film for a girl that has leukemia. They learn more about their friendship and the fragility of life. The cast includes Hugh “Wolverine” Jackman, Olivia Cooke, Nick Offerman (Parks & Recreation), Molly Shannon (SNL alum) and Jon Bernthal (The Walking Dead, upcoming 2nd season of Daredevil).
Manglehorn – A dramedy about a locksmith (Al Pacino) that has trouble living in the present. Can we just get a The Devil’s Advocate sequel already?! Pacino seems to be wasting time on these cutesy movies that have a limited audience. Anyways, the movie focuses on how this locksmith mopes through life in a small Texas town and lives in his tragic, lovelorn past when he desperately needs to change his present. The movie is directed by David Gordon Green (Pineapple Express, Your Highness) and co-stars Holly Hunter.
Insidious: Chapter 3 – In this prequel, a girl tries to contact her late mother so she recruits a reluctant psychic with grave results. For some reason Dermot Mulroney is in this. Why? Rotten Tomatoes: 53%.
Road Hard – This comedy follows a character named Bruce Madsen, a successful actor/comedian, who decides to change things up and go back to his roots and perform in the comedy club circuit. Things don’t turn out as expected which forces Bruce (played by Adam Carolla) to reevaluate his career. This sounds like an auto-biographical snooze fest! Anyways, the movie co-stars David Koechner (Anchorman, Waiting).
Batkid Begins – This follows a five year-old boy, suffering from leukemia that gets a chance to be Batman for a day via the Make a Wish foundation.
10,000 Saints – A group of smugglers learn the hard price of growing up and the value of family in the backdrop of 1980s New York City. The cast includes Ethan Hawke (Boyhood, Gattaca) , Asa Butterfield (Ender’s Game, Hugo) , Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit), Emile Hirsch (The Girl Next Door), and Emily Mortimer. There may be a reason this was released direct to video.
Dark Places – From the author of Gone Girl (Gillian Flynn) comes a story about a woman (Libby) trying to run away from her tragic past and her brother, who she blames for murdering the rest of her family. She is then contacted by a group that specializes in unsolved cases. Libby (played by Charlize Theron) must decide if she wants to accept the past or truly find the killer responsible. This movie came and went in theaters. The movie co-stars Chloe Grace Moretz (Kick-Ass), Nicholas Hoult (Mad Max: Fury Road), and Christina Hendricks (Mad Men). It holds a 39% on Rotten Tomatoes. Proceed with caution!
Escobar: Paradise Lost – Nick and his brother move from Canada to Colombia during the 1980s to set up a surf shop. There, Nick falls for Maria, who happens to be the niece of Pablo Escobar. Things get worse from there as Nick is recruited to stash away Escobar’s assets before he serves a jail sentence. I’m slightly interested in this but I have to say that Narcoson Netflix deals primarily with Escobar’s rise/fall and that seems a lot more interesting. This film features Benicio Del Toro (Traffic, upcoming Sicario) as Escobar and co-stars Josh Hutcherson (The Hunger Games).
Final Girl – Veronica is new in town and becomes a target for a group of boys who hunt and kill women in the woods for sport. The tables are turned when Veronica is actually a trained assassin. Abigail Breslin (Ender’s Game, Maggie) stars alongside Wes Bentley (that creepy video recorder dude from American Beauty, bearded weirdo in The Hunger Games).
Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief – This is a riveting documentary that chronicles the rise of the Church of Scientology and the followers and defectors that provide insight into the often shocking inner workings of the fastest growing church. Archival footage and interviews with current and former members (that include many Hollywood stars – Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Paul Haggis, etc.) make this a documentary worth catching. My full review is here.
People Places Things – Flight of the Concords alum, Jermaine Clement, stars in this comedy about a happily married professor with two kids that deals with the affair between his friend and his wife. He finds out that the single life with kids isn’t what he was expecting. I happen to enjoy Clement’s sense of humor and may give this a go.
Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! – Talk about beating a dead horse. That wasn’t a request. Ian Ziering (Beverly Hills 90210) and Tara Reid (American Pie) try to hold onto their careers in the popular, purposefully bad SyFy original movie. The outlandish, most once famous cast includes: Frankie Muniz, Bo Derek, David Hassehoff and Mark Cuban (as the President). You know what’s better than a purposefully bad movie? An unintentionally bad movie. See: The Room, Birdemic: Shock and Terror.
What We Did On Our Holiday – As Gordy nears his 75th Birthday, his son and his family decide to visit him in Scotland. Things go awry when his son’s kids are brutally honest and are unable to keep any secrets, which makes an already awkward family trip more awkward. The film stars David Tennant (Doctor Who), Billy Connolly, and Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl).
October 13th
San Andreas – Hey, what’s shakin’?! Well, the Rock of course! This is an epic destruction movie for people that enjoy flashy special effects and a sub-par story or…..they just go for the Rock. I don’t blame them. Believe it or not, the movie co-stars Carla Gugino (Watchmen) and Paul Giamatti (Sideways).
Tommorowland – This film probably had the most promise this summer but was an utter disappointment. The marketing was interesting and the director, Brad Bird, has had nothing but success with his earlier films: The Incredibles, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, Iron Giant. Check out a full review here.
The Gallows – A group of high school students try to put on a play that failed twenty years earlier and resulted in the death of a student, Charlie. The event is meant to be cathartic for the town on the anniversary of Charlie’s death, but a group of students sabotage the production to help the lead actor avoid stage fright. The group’s actions have grave consequences as Charlie’s story isn’t finished. This story is actually more elaborate than more horror films but still sounds boring.
Dope – We follow a high school student named Butler (Blake Anderson) who tries to stay on the straight and narrow amongst a town (Inglewood, CA) that would rather get by on dealing drugs and making easy money. Butler has aspirations of going to Harvard and leaving the city behind but is tested one night at a party. Lenny Kravitz’s daughter, Zoe Kravitz, costars.
October 20th
Jurassic World – Doctor John Hammond’s future dinosaur world is realized twenty two years later in Jurassic World. Just as any company would do if public interest were waning, they need to innovate new ways to attract people across the world. Of course, if your company happens to be a giant dinosaur zoo, innovation can spell doom in the form of a genetically modified dinosaur, the Indominus Rex. The movie is a lot of fun if you don’t think too much about the story. Check out my full review here.The movie stars Chris Pratt (Parks and Recreation, Guardians of the Galaxy), Bryce Dallas Howard (The Village), and Jake Johnson (New Girl, Let’s Be Cops).
Paper Towns – A high school student, Quentin, has always pined for Margo his entire life and when she breaks into his house asking for his help in a revenge plot, he agrees. After their adventure, Margo has disappeared from their school but not without leaving clues for Quentin to follow that will end up changing how he really feels for her. This is based off the book of the same name by author John Green (who also wrote The Fault in Our Stars). The film stars up and comer, Cara Delevingne (upcoming Suicide Squad) and Nat Wolff. You’d have to drag me to see a movie like this. Quirky, romantic movies irritate me because they are highly unrealistic yet pretend they aren’t.
Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection ‘F’ – I don’t usually cover Japanese anime movies but I guess I’m always a little fond of the Dragon Ball Z tv show (when it aired on Cartoon Network back in the day). This details how big baddie, Frieza, is back after falling to Goku’s Super Saiyan years ago. Frieza is hell bent on revenge, even without an actual body. It’s up to Goku and Vegeta to work together. I’d probably save this for hung over Sunday mornings (before football of course).
The Vatican Tapes – Two Vatican priests are out to exorcise a woman believed to be possessed by the Anti-Christ. They must work to save her soul and for humanity…blah..blah…This uninspired movie stars Dougray Scott (MI: 2), Djimon Hounsou (Amistad) , and Michael Pena (Ant-Man). Rotten Tomatoes score: 13%.
Testament of Youth – Alicia Vikander (Ex-Machina) and Kit Harrington (Game of Thrones) star in this World War I drama. Vera Brittain (Vikander) postpones her studies to become a nurse as her loved ones, including Harrington head to war. Brittain later becomes a writer, feminist, and pacifist. The film doesn’t sound that interesting but is getting decent reviews. Rotten Tomatoes: 81%.
Z for Zachariah – This tale centers on a lone female survivor (Margot Robbie) of the apocalypse and the last two known men alive (Chiwetel Ejiofor and Chris Pine) who try to court for her affections. The three must find a way to work together in order to survive. So, it seems that this is about how two dudes wanna do it with Robbie. I don’t blame them. What if the movie casted Amy Schumer instead of Margot Robbie? I believe both men would rather roam the Earth looking for another lady.
I Spit on Your Grave 3: Vengeance is Mine – Jennifer is a girl that is just trying to overcome the torture she’s experienced and live a normal life. When one of Jennifer’s friends is murdered and those responsible escapes, she turns on revenge mode while the rest of the city erupts with rapists and serial killers. Pass!
The Wolfpack – This is a documentary that follows six brothers that live the majority of their lives in a New York apartment. They rely on movies in order to understand the real world. They all reenact scenes of their favorite movies. As the brothers get older, they desire interactions with the real world and everything begins to change when one of them runs away. Sounds like this may be worth checking out.
October 27th
Pixels – Adam Sandler is trying to fart on the box office again with this sad attempt at appealing to the thirty something group that relishes arcade games. The story involves how aliens receive golden age transmissions of video games being played, interpret the message as the real thing and declare war on Earth in the form of well-known classic games that include Donkey Kong and Pac Man. The President enlists his childhood friend, Sandler, to beat the aliens at their own game. He also enlists a rag tag group that includes Peter Dinklage, Josh Gad, and Kevin James. The film is directed by Chris Columbus (the 1st two Harry Potter movies).
Southpaw – Jake Gyllenhaal gains a ton of muscle to play a left handed boxer who must overcome the death of his wife. After much inner turmoil and with the fate of his relationship with his daughter at stake, he must climb out and be the best boxer he can be so he can be the best father he can be. The movie received mixed reviews but I wouldn’t mind renting this. I mean, it’s Gyllenhaal and after his performance in Nightcrawler, I expect a solid performance.
The Gift – A husband and wife (Simon and Robin) move into a new home and run into an old acquaintance, Gordo, of Simon’s from high school. The couple accepts a gift of wine and invites him to their house for dinner. Gordo begins to leave more gifts and starts to stalk Robin while she’s home alone. Simon tries to tell Gordo that he is not welcome only then to be threatened by a 25 year old secret about Simon. The movie stars Jason Bateman (Arrested Development), Rebecca Hall (The Town) and Joel Edgerton (The Great Gatsby, Exodus: Gods and Kings). The film is also the directorial debut of Joel Edgerton. I really wanted to see this film but had scheduling conflicts. The film has a 93% on Rotten Tomatoes. I’ll be sure to rent this.
Max – This is supposed to be an uplifting family drama/adventure that centers around a military dog named Max. After Max’s handler, Kyle, is killed, he is then returned to Kyle’s family and ends up helping them heal from their loss. Thomas Haden Church (Sideways), Lauren Graham (Bad Santa), and Robbie Amell (Flash) star.
The Human Centipede III: The Final Sequence – The outrageous idea of a singular digestive system through multiple people is expanded upon in this latest installment from the Dutch filmmaker, Tom Six. This time, they are attempting to utilize 500 people (which are being sewn together a$$ to mouth) to create the largest, singular digestive system the world has ever known. The creepy actor from the original film, Dieter Laser, reprises his role as the crazed doctor. The movie even co-stars Eric Roberts (Best of the Best, The Dark Knight). Not for the easily grossed out.
Kicking a$$ and taking names! Who doesn’t love a good martial arts movie? There’s a bunch to choose from! Hopefully this article will prompt you to seek out these gems. I would do a top 10 but that’s too round of a number. On to the Top 9!!
Best of the Best (1989)
9. Best of the Best (1989)
I think the best way to describe this movie would be to say it’s like “Bloodsport” meets “Road House”. The martial arts sequences were solid but the staging of the fights is what makes this outshine a lot of other martial arts movies. USA is being pitted against Korea in a what would seem like a life and death tournament (it’s not). Eric Roberts hilariously over acts in almost every scene and James Earl Jones makes it rain with his one of a kind voice.
The Matrix (1999)
8. The Matrix (1999)
You can’t deny this movie. With choreographer, Yuen Woo-ping, he can make any actor look like a legitimate martial artist. That’s not to say that the actors didn’t train hard to accomplish authentic fight scenes, it’s just the truth. On screen, the fight sequences are gripping and are used to enhance the provocative sci-fi/action/martial arts classic. The subway fight scene is easily one of the most watched fight scenes.
Drunken Master (1978)
7. Drunken Master (1978)
To me, this is ‘the’ best Jackie Chan movie. It perfectly embodies Jackie’s sense of humor, his amazing stunt work and his great fighting skills. The story is simple — Jackie takes up tutelage by a dude that embraces the martial art of getting wasted and kicking the shit out of people. Every fan of Jackie’s work needs to make sure to see this.
Ip Man (2008)
6. Ip Man (2008)
Donnie Yen really shines as Ip Man, the first person to teach Wing Chun. Ip Man actually went on to later teach a young Bruce Lee. Filled with action sequences as Yip Man showcases his martial art and maintains many students but that’s before the Japanese invade his country and force many of the citizens to hard labor and try to force Ip Man to teach his martial art.
Hero (2002)
5. Hero (2002)
Jet Li stars in this beautiful martial arts film that makes you question if “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon” deserves all the praise it received. The story is set with the backdrop of China and its warring seven kingdoms and how the king, Qin, was determined to become emperor of China, even going as much to ensure that those that protect him will be wealthy and powerful. Jet Li stars as Nameless, an assassin who looks to have done the bidding of a tyrant in this beautifully shot, perfectly choreographed martial arts drama.
Enter the Dragon (1973)
4. Enter the Dragon (1973)
Certainly not the greatest movie but when it comes to all out Bruce Lee action this one certainly is the one most people refer to and for good reason. This is the movie that introduced Bruce Lee to American audiences (if you don’t count “The Green Hornet” TV series) as a star. Teamed with John Saxon (A Nightmare on Elm Street), Jim Kelly, and even Bolo Yeung (Chun-Li from Bloodsport), Bruce Lee infiltrates a martial arts tournament in order to take down a narcotics dealer who is also responsible for the death of his sister. Cheesy fun, totally 70s and filled with great displays of martial arts.
3. Bloodsport (1988)
This is what made Jean Claude Van Damme the muscles from Brussels. A simple enough concept — man enters fight to the death tournament in order to honor his sensei. What makes this so great is not just JCVD’s splits or his martial arts skills but also his screen presence. You either have it or you don’t. JCVD has this in spades and he can’t really even act!! And what about that epic scream in the final fight? Just amazing. This concept would go on to serve many of JCVD’s other movies.
2. Ong Bak : Muay Thai Warrior (2003)
This may be at the top of many fans’ lists as everyone was taken aback by Tony Jaa and his amazing skills. The story follows how a many tries to seek out a stolen statue so that villagers can end a draught. Yeah, it sure does sound stupid but who are we kidding, we’re in this to watch the action dammit! Jaa simply has to be seen to be believed. Also, the music by RZA is of special note to this being amazing. Regarding Tony Jaa, he simply has to be seen to be believed. He was once considered to be the next Bruce Lee at one point and time but rumors suggest he had a nervous breakdown. He is trying to make a comeback as of late with his small role in “Furious 7”.
1. The Raid 2 (2014)
Easily the best martial arts movie I’ve ever seen. There was an immense amount of choreography that was required for this movie. You will literally be floored by how good this is. Although this is a sequel, it is superior in every way to its predecessor, The Raid: Redemption. These are movies out of Indonesia and are filmed in such a way that perfectly captures the tone and stakes of its story. Just check out this fight scene for crying out loud. This was just one of the many action sequences and it gets even crazier than this!
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